NEW!! IMPROVED!! The Telstar Logistics Shareholder Value Generator

NEW!! IMPROVED!! The Telstar Logistics Shareholder Value Generator
Lead Generator
Image by Telstar Logistics
TELSTAR LOGISTICS UNVEILS MODEL 442 SHAREHOLDER VALUE GENERATOR
New Device Converts Nebulous Energy into Tangible Results

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SIERRA NEVADAS, Calif., 03-MAY-2006 Telstar Logistics is proud to announce the successful completion and deployment of the Model 442 Shareholder Value Generator, an event which marks the beginning of a new and more exciting era of production.

Installed underground in a remote mountain facility, Model 442 leverages innovations in Terrestrial Infiltration, Marine Buoyancy, and Aerospace Propulsion developed by Telstar Logistics while delivering our best-of-breed services.

Designed to provide stable, seamless solutions in any environment, the Shareholder Value Generator converts hybrid media energy into robust and scalable output. The impactful results quickly pay off where it matters most -- on the customer's bottom line.

"Telstar Logistics is the only company poised to deliver a product that customers can actually use," said Steve Jurvetson, senior test pilot for Telstar Logistics Aerospace Systems. "With the Model 442, organizations can easily increase production of an existing application without changing the application and still maintain high levels of performance."

Patents pending. NSFW. Batteries sold separately.

About Telstar Logistics
Telstar Logistics is a leading provider of integrated services via Land, Air, Sea, and Space. For more information about Telstar Logistics, its products, and its history, visit our Investor Relations page.

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Comments (22)

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  1. Automatt says:

    LOLLLLLL
    So much more efficient than model 221

  2. Telstar Logistics says:

    Yeah, by almost 34 percent. Over time, that really adds up.

  3. out of ideas says:

    Time to adjust my portfolio. Clearly, this company is on track for record growth.

  4. susafri says:

    Oh sign me up please! Ill take 2. If I take 2, do i get the batteries included?
    BTW you cracked me up with your xray feature comment. So true!

  5. jurvetson says:

    The test pilots came to affectionately call her the whirling dervish. So much value. So much spin.

    We chuckled a bit when the obsolete PR people glared at the purple…

  6. Telstar Logistics says:

    See folks… right here… THIS is why Steve Jurvetson was given a set of keys to the executive washroom. His team understands the technology intuitively:

    The Model 442 creates lasting value by harnessing plentiful, abundant spin.

    It is zen-like in its simplicity, and perpetual in its motion.

  7. mikest says:

    a cable car drive? where iz dat?

  8. Telstar Logistics says:

    It is secure in an undisclosed location.

  9. Dr. Engineer-001 says:

    Great, but where’s the Framulator?
    It’s supposed to have one of those, isn’t it? And the Axolotus must be hidden underneath!

  10. highplainsgrifter says:

    rube goldberg has a discretionary trust fund and he wants to channel with you. please remit your exit strategy to our legal staff to initiate negotiations.

  11. Dr. Engineer-001 says:

    If I didn’t know better, I’d say that’s a San Francisco Cable Car Engine. I saw one once the last time I was there. But send me an e-mail anyway, and I’ll forward it to my outsourced legal department.

  12. Telstar Logistics says:

    My counsel advises me that any resemblance to other value generators, whether real or fictitious, is purely coincidental.

  13. Telstar Logistics says:

    Distinguished Associates,

    It’s now official.

  14. travísimo says:

    Darn SV rumor mill… So much for stealth mode!

  15. deanezl says:

    I’ve got one just like that in my living room. Mine’s exactly the same except it’s made out of Tinkertoys. My kid, Todd, made it (about 34 years ago). I tried hanging it on the refrigerator next to his fingerpaintings but it kept falling off.

  16. The Rocketeer says:

    I find the Telstar Logistics Shareholder Value Generator so effective, I may have to split my stock!

  17. rock climbing electrician says:

    I just stumbled across this posting and I am vexed!

    Is this thing generating value equitably amongst shareholders? Or do I smell corporate graft neatly packaged beneath a mollifyingly "Dr. Suess-esque" paint job?

    More flowery adumbrating. Geez. The next thing you know, Telstar will probably slap a disarmingly familiar coat of paint on the facade of its corporate offices, obfuscating the wild partying and shady transactions performed by the dull glow of the oscilloscope….

    This hippy is fed up. Enough is enough. Corporate malfeasance has undermined just about all the good moral headway made by the fine people of the sixties. It is time to stem the tide.

    If anyone knows where this thing actually is, please pass the word. We will have a secret meeting tonight in the soutwest corner of Precita Park (right across from the laundrymat) to decide how to start grabbing some of this generated value for ourselves.

  18. randysgirl1098 says:

    wow, that’s… great!
    what does it do, exactly?

  19. The Rocketeer says:

    Randysgirl, it does exactly the same thing as a Retroencabulator, but with twice the efficiency!

  20. airman. says:

    Nice one

  21. Tom Anderson says:

    You’ve missed the most important component in delivering shareholder value – you, the customer. Customers enter the system in liquid form through the pipe in the foreground.

  22. Dr. Engineer-001 says:

    Gee, Golly, Wow!!